***
Being aware of what I'm bound to put myself into, I took one big long breath before shutting my eyes to the sound of the spinning fan on that night of new year eve. In that moment of darkness, the very first image I saw was him. Easily. Hi, it's you again! That familiar face never fail to greet me every morning and when the night falls.
"How did you know Love?"
"If one person comes into your mind when you are at your lowest or at the peak of life, darling, you've found it. It's that very first person you think of." :)
Oh damn.. if Number 2 finds out her placing, that would probably means climbing to bed with an empty stomach. *laughs* So, based on the general saying as above (or equation, seems like it), Number 1 would be E while Number 2? My mom. However, Love is a very subjective thing and clearly, family love and ze' other half love is two different thing. Hence, this hypothesis couldn't be applied.
Mommy and I used to be on a Love-Hate roller coaster ride. She loves me but I used to hate her. Eheh.. it took me quite some time during my young adulthood stage (many thanks to Tzu Chi) to acknowledge everything that she does for the family. Even without daddy by her side, she stood strong of a true Iron Lady, one who could shoulder a man's responsibility yet exude warmth of a woman so I very much look up to her. It doesn't matter anymore if he didn't treat her right because for all the thing he wouldn't do, I could, if not better more so she needs not feel the same agony ever again. It's a promise I made to myself as I watch strands of white hair among her raven locks.
Anyway, my relationship with him wasn't welcome at all by both side parents and close relatives. Still, we managed to hang on for more than 2 years when I started to feel increasingly pressured from the adults.
As a daughter, what would you do when you see the ever-so-strong Queen of your Life crumbled to tears because she could no longer contain the criticism, disrespect, especially the fear of separation with her child (if the relationship turns out well) and that endless worries from the uncertainties of this absurd LDR? At that moment, I know I had to give up on what I've been persevering for so long. The hardest thing to do is letting go, not because you want to, but you had to.
爱上一个有钱人是没有错，克斯的是，她不够坚强。Aunty, uncle, 你为什么看不起别人哪？
妈妈，对不起。我不会再让其他的人因为钱再欺负你了。我会保护你，照顾你。妈妈，你一定要等我。我一定会成功。我会好好照顾自己，也会成为一个快乐的人哦! :) Love you!
Somehow, the pain of removing the missing puzzle piece from this seemingly complete picture were so impactful that my body became a total messed up. I had amenorrhoea and menorrhagia at the age of 21.
The meet up with good buddy JW few days before NYE was truly a bliss. He was the first guy I spoke to about my condition. I was literally expecting that pitiful-trying-to-appear-assuring look but surprisingly, he accepted the news with full objectivity.
"Yun, just go for the right treatment (Yes, I alrd am), understand your situation and conquer it. Control your thoughts and start seeing yourself as that person you've always wanted to be. Change your lifestyle habit and start afresh immediately."
He was right.
I know I had to fix my depressed soul to regain my health. In fact, if you ask me to summaries myself with one word (how I've been in 2015), I'd say absence. Though I cleared my papers smoothly after we went separate ways, I was constantly trapped in my own thoughts. Unfazed, lonely and countless nights of wet pillow. I wasn't happy at all. There are so many things that I have missed out during these moments of solitude.. my family, friends, studies and even myself.. I couldn't even recall when was the last time I actually laughed from the bottom of my heart.
Darling.. I'm really tired staying sober and clinging to the memories we once share.. It's been really painful for me, until the extend that there are times I wanted to lose memories and start living all over again. I'm really sorry for hiding the truth for so long.. do forgive me for everything, you've been a miracle and will always be one for the girl you will bound to meet in the future. Someone much better than me.. Do let me be selfish for one time, I've decided to let you go.. Good bye dear. May you and your family be blessed with happiness and good health.
**
A dinner of appreciation for SMTC was held at Tian Cai baba's home right after my last paper P4. During the sharing session, Tzu Ching were asked if we understand the reason behind BMZJ (baba, mama, zue zhang jie) endless sacrifices for us. Yes indeed, to accompany Tzu Ching, you really need a lot of time, money and patience. Mama shared that Shi Gong Shang Ren loves Tzu Ching most and she wants to help reduce her burden and to love us like her own children. Images of the memories we shared in this big family started flooding into my mind like a film. Though I've been in this TC for 4 years, I've always thought that the initial reason were for the sake of responsibility, like a task for them. Really, how could anyone even trust or care someone so much without truly understanding that person's story?
The truth is, BMZJ sincerely care for us from within. It was pure love, so genuine and radiating with time. I remember many times they were struggling to stay awake to accompany us and smiled those work stress away whenever they talk to us. Even though they don't know much of us personally, but it is definitely more than what we know of them.
I was truly disappointed with myself that even as a LLR, failed to realize how strong connection they wanted to build with us because I drew the line against them. I.. never give them a chance to step into me knowing how much of a sensitive person I am, I was so certain of not wanting to have too much emotional attachments with people. That night itself, I told myself that I would put in my heart to understand, care and engage with them and everyone around me freely with pure sincerity; to erase the lines for those who are worth it.
Cuz you don't need a reason to care and love, just the love to love. :)
*
I opened my already teary eyes at 2 a.m., but this time I feel completely relaxed and assured because I know that from that moment on wards, all these belong to the past and there's no turning back anymore. It will be a brand new day for the new me. :)
***
 |
| And her heart finally told her to let it all go to see what the present has got to offer. |
So what's my new year resolution?
In short, to be peaceful and happy. To do what I've always wanted to do (don't hesitate anymore) and dream big, do big. To be loving to all that I meet, no barriers, just sincerity. And to graduate before mom's 50th birthday. Wish me luck aye! :D
~Thoughts of the Day 20~
I was serving hot cups of coffees as a barista for a Nescafe roadshow event when I notice a pair of eyes looking eagerly at the steaming cups right above the counter.
"Mei mei, coffee is not suitable for small children yeah?", trying my best to say in the gentlest way possible as I watched how her little eyebrows twitch with disappointment.
"Perhaps you can get one for your Papa.", as I had a glimpse of a figure pushing his trolley towards her.
The little girl flash her award winning smile and cued "I want one for Mama too!"
"Okay, but you need to pass this to Papa first."
Gleefully but carefully, she grab hold of a cup and hurried off to her father who declined the offer. She turned back to look at me but on this second attempt, she pujuk so manja-ly to take a sip but her father gestured to bring the coffee to her mother who was somewhat way behind. Her effort succeeded though and she responded with a cute jump and did a little dance around her parents out of satisfaction. :)
It was very heartwarming sight yet so rare because very few children nowadays would do such a thing. It was that small gesture of appreciation, fully out of love even without the ability of reasoning the sacrifices behind parental love. Despite the rejection, scolding or nagging back at home, a close knit connection exists. Most of us were once there.
As we grow up, reality and environmental factors knock us from every corner. When ambition comes, the greed for achievement and possession arises. There are people who would do anything to get hold of what they want even if it means using the wrong manner and depriving others off their hard work and privilege.
Here's a story of Little Mary who wants a laptop.
Little Mary (Mary) got to know that Little John (John) admires her so she told him of her wish. However, John doesn't have enough money to buy her one. A thought came up in Mary if John would give her his and sure enough he did. Mary was delighted.
That night she got back home and excitedly showed her dad the new gift. However, daddy was quiet so she was confused.
"Mary, why do you need a laptop for?"
"The whole class has it Pa."
"If you need it, Papa will get it for you. It is not right to take what's not belongs to you. If John give you his, he will have no laptop to use."
Mary feels sorry for John.
Daddy continues, "However, that's not the reason that upsets me the most. I'm disappointed in seeing how happy you are over the gift taken from others. When you said you love colors, Papa buy coloring books and color pencil set so you can make beautiful art. In high school, you requested for new sports wear and sneakers, so Papa worked harder to get them for you."
Mary starts to tear up.
"However, after getting this laptop, you seems to forget what you originally had. Your action might even bring trouble to John when his father find out about this."
"Sorry Pa, I wouldn't do this again. I'll return it and apologies to John."
Daddy hugs Mary.
The above story is just a small fraction of what's happening in our society. Since young, we were taught not to take things that doesn't belong to us and that sharing is caring. Have we forgotten even the most simplest principle of life?
To make use of one's love, affection and trust from lover, friends and colleague to achieve personal goal (be it financial or material) is worse than robbing because you hurt someone's heart in the process to fulfill your own desire. Not just of those you are dealing with but the heart of parents who brought you up.
Gratitude is not a mere act of noble, underneath it's an act of filial piety.
Most of us are blessed with perfect body and good health. We do not have claim on our life but only the right to use it to touch lives. Use it right and you will be rewarded in ways you never thought you could be. :)
~Hugs~
