Walls

If people people would ask me whether to choose between house or study room,I'll chose the second option.You would probably ask me why is it the study room and not the house since the room is in the house.Wert?Don't get it?You shouldn't be cuz it's a total waste of brain power..I need someone to spill out now but I know I shouldn't because probably it'll..I don't want to bother anyone with stuff bout me..

I really love the study room,sometimes I even hope that I can stay in here for the whole day without leavin the room and not meeting anyone,anywhere..It's the only place that I can be really quiet,ignore other people for a short time.It's the only place where I don't have to pretend that I'm fine and having people asking me wheter I'm alright or not.I suppose this is the only place that I've never feel uncomfortable in and being mentally,physically relaxed.I can cry,do things I love not having to see anybody's facial expression in things they wish I can do while never actually cared for my feelings.I hate it when I have to act tough and be like what other people wants me to be just to see the smiles on their face.I can't help but to think I'm some sort of dolls and my main duty is to kept on practicing until the perfect drama is performed.And when I stop..people will be giving me those type of look..It's too much..I really cannot stand it sometimes yet,I know I still have to go on with my daily routine..It's my life.Making people feel happy with my presence without enjoying it at all.This is why,my only entertainment is only to see people happy with the things I do for them,having this feeling that what I did is all so worth it..

For all my life,what I ever wanted is someone who can care for me and understand what I really need inside.And I really thank God for allowing me to become a sister of a young lady named Cai Li who I consider maybe unlucky to have a sister like me.Sometimes,I rather trade my health with you because I really love you.You,probably is the only person on earth that will never despise me and accepts me just the way I am.You knows me so well that most of the time I do not need to tell anything and you could easily read my mind.You are the only person who will always be there for me and removes the mask I'm wearing.I love you sister.

I lied.I hate lies but I'm doing it indirectly..Infact,I've been lying to myself for this past one month..

I kept on telling myself that I could forget and quit liking this friend I have since form 3 after I left librarian.Probably people are going to think I'm someone who betrays the library and that image stays forever..I guess it wouldn't be nice to keep staying in contact with any librarians any longer cuz after all,it's me who decided to leave them in the first place.This incident I've came across really left a scar in me..I have to quit firstly because I was very disappointed with what he did to me.Those pose and marks I will be obtaining from the other club is just a reason to disguise.But nobody knows.My heart ache everytime I enter the library and recently,I can say is that I didn't enjoy this school holiday trip with my family to Langkawi because all I can think off when I'm there is all those memories we all have there.And since he is one part of them,I might as well just stop being close to him..

I was very surprised on how I came out with many ridiculous ways to stop myself for liking him any longer..I'm aware that for now,I carry a very bad image ever since that day so perhaps,he'll think I'm someone who is selfish and stuff like that.I'm bad and I know that..I deleted all those friendster comments and him from my friends list because that was where I first started being close to him but I realized it's not enough.So next,I decided to delete his contact number which I actually remembered it when I gave it one last glance without realizing before I deleted it.I felt so silly of myself.Few days later, I tried to delete his msn but the plan failed terribly..He really left a stain in me..As a matter of infact,I can hardly find any other ways to put away the thoughts of him.Not only that,there's also one time when I tried to like another guy randomly but it didn't work too.It would be great if I'm a playboy but sadly,I'm not.I felt so ridiculous of myself.It's even tougher than solving add math..

*Sob*